Sending Jesse to College

It has been several days since I have written and it is still hard to do it now. I have spent the past several days (weeks really) in tears. I can bearly see through the tears right now to type but I am making myself try to get through this. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I have devoted the past 18 years to my children and their needs. Everything from what they would eat and wear to getting them to where they needed to go. I have tried to teach them all I could to make them strong, productive, healthy, loving, compationate, brave, god-fearing/loving, individuals. Now Jesse is in Conway in a dorm and I am at home praying that I have given her all she will need to make it in this world.

I find part of me feels a deep loss. A loss of purpose. What do I do now? My kids are growing up and making their own decisions and don't need me to think for them anymore and tell them what to do or how to do it or where to be, ect...

It makes me feel like my purpose in life is done. I know it isn't but I struggle with how to go on with the next phase of my life.

We took Jesse to Conway on Sunday and moved her into the dorm. It was a very busy day and we all did good not to cry much until it came time to leave. She started crying and then we all were crying. She was very scared and alone and that just tore my heart out. Do you have any idea how hard it is to leave your child knowing they feel lonely? It is heart wrenching!!!

Now 24 hours later, she is a bit less lonely. Not alot but she is meeting people and trying to find a place to fit in. There are 12,000 students there. She says she is meeting tons of people but the problem is she never sees them again. I think she may decide to 'Rush' so she will have a group of people to get acquainted with. I know deep down that she will be fine and have the time of her life. But that knowledge does not ease the pain at this point.

I plan to visit her once a week until she tells me that there isn't time this week to fit me in. (I am more prepared for that then this first stage).

Mason started the 10th grade today and seems to like it. I think there is 2 reasons for that. 1. he is no longer 'new kid on the block'. 2. it is 'his' school now and not his sisters. He had to go to work right after school and got home about 9:15pm. He is now in the bed and will probably sleep very sound tonight.

Thanks to all for listening to me and praying for me. I know it must seem a bit overboard to some, but I pray that none of you have to feel this way and if you do, I hope I can be there to help you through it.

My friends and family are such a blessing to me. Thanks.

Pegg